You’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.—Louise Hay 

Self-compassion and self-esteem are not the same thing.

Self-esteem involves how positively we see ourselves—often compared to others—fueling a need to feel superior which fluctuates with our successes and failures.   

Self-compassion offers a steady and stable source of emotional support. It remains with us whether we're doing well or struggling. It acknowledges that we are all imperfect.

When we feel inadequate or like we're not measuring up, our self-concept feels threatened. As a result, we often attack the problem by attacking ourselves. This is where self-criticism comes in.

The Threat-Defense System is a biological and psychological response we all have that is in place to help us detect and react to danger. When we turn this response inward in the form of self-criticism, we are essentially attacking ourselves. The more threatened we feel, the more we rely on self-criticism to try to push ourselves to improve and find a sense of safety. Unfortunately, this makes it harder to feel calm, safe, and open—thus making it more difficult to handle challenges clearly and effectively. 

In contrast, self-compassion helps us respond to stress and mistakes with kindness rather than fear. When we stop attacking ourselves, we can begin to see setbacks as opportunities for growth, not as threats to our safety or self-worth.

Motivation driven by self-compassion comes from a place of love, not fear. When we are kind and patient with ourselves, we are more likely to take risks, try new things, and learn from failure, all while maintaining a sense of self-worth.

When we are motivated by fear, our goal is often to avoid judgment, failure, or criticism. This can lead to anxiety and self-doubt.  

In contrast, motivation fueled by love and self-compassion is more sustainable. It allows us to stay focused on growth and improvement, rather than fearing judgment or seeking validation from others.

Research shows that self-compassionate individuals are motivated by intrinsic reasons—the desire to learn, grow, and master new skills—rather than by extrinsic goals like enhancing their self-image or gaining social approval.

• Mastery Goals vs. Performance Goals: 

  • Mastery goals focus on personal growth and the intrinsic motivation to learn and improve. Self-compassion is closely linked to these types of goals because it fosters an attitude of persistence and self-acceptance. 

  • Performance goals, on the other hand, are motivated by the desire to enhance one’s self-image and gain approval from others. These goals are often driven by fear of failure and concerns about judgment. 

Self-compassionate people are less afraid of failure because they accept that they won’t always succeed and understand that failure is part of the learning process. They tend to have higher levels of self-efficacy—the belief that they can overcome challenges. This allows them to pursue their goals with confidence, knowing that setbacks are part of the process and don’t define their worth.

Self-compassion doesn’t just help us deal with our perceived shortcomings—it also serves as a powerful motivator to help us reach our full potential. By treating ourselves with kindness, focusing on personal growth, and accepting the inevitable setbacks, we can build healthy habits that last. 

Remember, motivation driven by self-compassion is rooted in love, not fear. When you approach your goals with compassion for yourself, you are more likely to stay engaged, persistent, and resilient in the face of challenges.

Each week, we encourage you to explore the concepts we've discussed through suggested practices and exercises that you can try at home. These activities are designed to help you deepen your understanding and connect the ideas to your own experiences. Approach this ‘homework’ with curiosity—there’s no need to worry about getting it ‘perfect.’ 

1. Journal Prompt: Reflect on an eating behavior you’d like to change — something that causes you mild to moderate unhappiness. It’s something you may criticize yourself for often, so be honest about it. 

Step 1: Identifying Your Self-Critical Voice  Write down the behavior you’d like to change. How does your inner critic speak when you engage in this behavior? Is it harsh, disappointed, or impatient? Note the tone and words it uses. 

Step 2: Noticing the Impact of Criticism  Pause and notice how it feels when you criticize yourself. How does it affect you emotionally, physically, or mentally? Allow yourself some compassion and write down the feelings that arise. 

Step 3: Understanding the Motivation Behind the Criticism  Reflect on why this criticism persists. What is your inner critic trying to do? Is it trying to protect you or guide you? Consider what it might be motivated by. 

Step 4: Finding Your Compassionate Voice  Now, make space for a compassionate voice. Write a message to yourself from this kind, understanding part of you. What support or encouragement do you need to begin making a positive change? 

This exercise can be powerful in beginning to untangle the layers of self-criticism and opening space for self-compassion, which can ultimately help you navigate changes in a kinder and more supportive way. 

2. Guided Meditation: Motivating Self-Compassion Break - Self-Compassion